Now Introducing… My Pointless (and Weird) Awards of the Pre-Preseason

It’s that time of year, my friends… The time of year when we—us who follow the Grizzlies—attempt to squeeze out every last bit of content from the dried-up wastelands of the NBA in September, heading into October.

Training camp is right around the corner. Hell, I’d be willing to bet, depending on when you’re reading this, it may be days away. Or it may even be here.

The well’s about to run dry when it comes to content, folks—thank the “hoops gods” for media day. Don’t you worry none. I have the exact pallet cleanser for you to rinse the taste of the off-season out of your mouth… And give you a fresh mindset and perspective before we head into training camp and the preseason.

I’m here to present to you… for the first time—fingers crossed, it’s not the last—in the history of the Memphis Grizzlies….

My pointless and weird awards of the pre-preseason.

What’s that? Did I make these awards up only a few hours ago? How dare you. Before casting my vote, I prepared and readied myself for at least a few days.

I deserve at least that much credit.

In all seriousness, before we jump into a season where a championship mindset is key, why not at least have a little fun and enjoy some awards that matter very little, if at all? Laughter is the best medicine, after all. At least that’s what my doctor friend says. And he’s a pediatrician!

Most Likely to Win a (2nd) DPOY Award:

• Winner – Jaren Jackson Jr.
• Honorable Mention – Marcus Smart

We start out with an award that some may view as “limiting.” It’s not that it’s limiting but, rather, that I’m narrowing the field of candidates down to players who have already won a DPOY trophy.

There happen to be two candidates in Memphis… and they just so happen to be the last two winners of the award: Marcus Smart (’21-’22 winner) and Jaren Jackson Jr. (’22-’23 winner).

Look, winning one DPOY award is hard enough, but two? Only 10 out of the 41 winners have ever brought the hardware home on more than one occasion. And—before Smart—a point guard had only ever won the DPOY trophy once.

Which is why I’m giving this pre-preseason award to Jaren Jackson Jr. On top of it being easier for bigs to win this award in the recent past, I’m of the belief that Trip is in for another monster season this coming year. It’ll be hard for him to do it, but if he builds on last year’s campaign, it’ll be well within the realm of possibility.

Most Likely to Make 10 or More Threes in a Game:

• Winner – Luke Kennard
• Honorable Mention – Desmond Bane

This is where things start to get interesting… And that’s because both Luke Kennard and Desmond Bane are absolute snipers from deep. Although, even that description feels like it doesn’t do them enough justice. Let’s try this: Kennard and Bane are the John Wicks of the NBA… That’s more like it.

Look, both guys have ranked in the top 30 league-wide in 3PT% for the past three years in a row. Kennard has been number one for two years running, and two years ago, Bane joined him at #2. Both seemed to embrace Coach TJ’s ‘let that mf’er fly’ mantra, as well.

Last season, Bane had 21 games in which he attempted eight or more threes, whereas Kennard only had seven. Still, ‘Nardo’ gets my vote because, out of the two, he accomplished this feat once last year. That is not at all a knock on Bane, but he only topped eight made threes once last season.

Most Likely to Have an “Injury” or “Growth Spurt”:

• Winner – Ziaire Williams
• Honorable Mention – Steven Adams

Take a moment to notice the quotation marks around the words growth spurt and injury. Here’s why: I’m of the opinion this front office can be a bit cagey when it comes to the information withheld or given. Often, it seems they keep things close to the vest.

“Exhibit A” is the handling of Ziaire Williams by the organization last year. The sophomore only played in 36 contests in the 2022-23 season after seeing action in 62 games as a rookie.

Here’s the thing: the exact reason the team held him out seemed unclear. Was it a knee injury? A wrist issue? Did he get bigger, and that caused discomfort? I’m still not sure. That’s why Z gets my vote here. I expect him to miss time, and I expect it to confuse me.

Honorable mention goes to Steve-O… It’s not his fault, though. The front office could’ve handled his injury last season, in my humble opinion, better.

It looks like it’ll be a slow ramp-up period for Adams to start the season. I’m going with what came straight from the Kiwi’s mouth, though. If he thinks he’ll be good to go to start the season, I’m trusting him. Some have said I’m over-trusting, though…

Most Likely to Not Be on the Roster in One Week:

• Winner – Isaiah Todd
• Honorable Mention – Josh Christopher

Look. No shade intended towards these two gentlemen. They’re more victims of circumstance than anythi—what’s that?

They’re not on the team anymore? It’s already happened. Damn. Cold.

Rhis joke would’ve landed much better if I finished this over the weekend when I intended to… but it turns out SOMEONE had to go camping to close out last week… and that SOMEONE may not be much of an outdoorsman but is trying their damnedest to change that… and that SOMEONE also happened to sit on a tick nest… so that SOMEONE had little baby ticks adjacent with their buttock area and had to pivot…

…it was me…

Most Likely to Sell the Most Jerseys:

• Winner – Derrick Rose
• Honorable Mention – Marcus Smart

I could’ve gone with the crown jewel of the Grizzlies off-season (Marcus Smart) here and not batted an eye. I have no doubt that he will sell his fair share of jerseys.

But if you’re going to tell me that Smart would come anywhere close to even sniffing the number of Derrick Rose jerseys sold from the Memphis pro shop, I might laugh in your face. And not in a fun way.

In a “that’s dumb, and you’re dumb, and everyone talks about you being dumb” kind of way.

We’re talking about former Memphis Tiger Derrick Rose; you do realize that, yeah? If I were in charge of the team, it would be mandatory for all real fans to buy a Rose jersey and wear it at least once a week. If that’s wrong, I’m not sure I want to be right, you know?

Most Likely to Miss the First 25 Games:

• Winner – Ja Morant
• Honorable Mention – Ziaire Williams

Sorry. This one feels like cheating. I wanted to give Ja an award. In something that matters most likely to no one but myself…

In what could be the best news of the offseason we found out that 12 won’t be with the team in spirit alone. He will also get to practice and travel with the team while serving his 25-game suspension.

This is incredible news, because what Morant does for this team—even when not on the court—is unmatched.

The fact that he will be in the building for every Memphis contest before coming back is a boost for the team. One they, like every one of us in the Grizz Dome (think Grizzlies-themed Bio-Dome), are thankful for.

Most Likely to Win a Grammy… (in Best Audio Book, Narration & Storytelling Recording):

• Winner – John Konchar
• Honorable Mention – n/a

I’m sure you all have listened to Trip’s music and are aware of how dope it is. I could’ve made this award about being competent in the booth and receiving recognition for it.

Instead, I’m going to pick a below-the-line award and give it to “Jitty.” Why? Because I created these awards, I like audiobooks, and “Jitty” is “neat.”

I mean, come on. It’s like asking a toaster not to toast Pop-Tarts. You cannot stop something that is in a creature’s very nature… or something like that.

I reckon I should also mention that this is not based in fact in the slightest. Nor is it something Konchar has actually done. But it sure seems like a real “neat” thing for him to do.