Now Introducing… My Pointless (and Weird) Halloween Awards

Spooky time is upon us, friends. I, for one, cannot think of anything more terrifying than a 0-4 start to the season for Memphis. Kidding, of course. It’s definitely up there for me, though.

Since the Grizzlies are leaning into the whole “Spooky scary season from Hell” vibe, I figured: Why not? The last arbitrary and borderline meaningless awards I handed out were a huge hit, after all. At least, that’s what I tell myself to justify making more.

So without further ado… I present my pointless and weird Halloween awards. Happy Halloween, and stay safe!

Most likely to be the bottom half of a two-person costume…

• Kenneth Lofton Jr.

Do you know the type of costume I’m talking about? For the sake of this award, let’s say it’s a two-person horse costume. You’ve got the upper half, and then you’ve got the lower half. The upper half consists of the face of said horse, and the lower half often disappears in the periphery.

That’s where Kenneth Lofton Jr. is currently. For some reason, he’s been absent from the rotation used by Coach Jenkins. More than absent, you would’ve thought he was being punished for some years old slight. At this current rate? How else can you explain Junior’s extreme—and sudden—fall from grace?

Most likely to cause toothaches…

• Taylor Jenkins

I love candy. That’s not to say I have a sweet tooth. No, that’s different, as I wouldn’t claim to enjoy baked goods, which in turn fall under the ‘sweet tooth’ umbrella. No, I’m talking about what you find in those assorted, overpriced goodie bags at the grocery store. I love that stuff.

I do not love what follows if enjoyed in excess. I don’t fancy the extreme pains that erupt from within the mouth. Nor the proceeding dentist trips that often pair with said pain. You know what I’m talking about? Imagine how you felt in that environment.

Now equate that to the lineups TJ’s utilized this season. Specifically, how have some of his lineup decisions—and coaching in general—made you feel so far? Do you agonize over some of Jenkins’ choices as the ache you feel moves to your stomach’s pit? Sounds like how a toothache can make you feel, huh?

Pause for dramatic effect… And the point is proven.

Most likely to go to a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show with you…

• Xavier Tillman Sr.

I’m a Rocky Horror Picture Show fan. I find the entire experience delightful, weird, and bizarre. My mother was a fan of the cult film, and she passed on her love of the experience to me. Believe me, if you’ve never gotten the opportunity to see the film in a proper crowd, do it. It’s an experience in every sense of the word.

And the crowds are a big part of that shared experience. Shadow casts encourage the audience to interact with props and arrive in costume. Theaters littered with fishnet pantyhose become the norm for a solid 24-48 hours. That is not to say Xavier Tillman strikes me as the kind that wears fishnets.

It is to say, though, that there isn’t a single person on this team who seems willing to do the dirty work more than Tillman. Simplifying it further: X appears down to do anything you ask him to at any point. And not only that, but what’s gifted by the former Spartan far exceeds the expected levels of adequacy.

All that to say… Are folks willing to consider anything and consider doing so with gusto? Those people—people like Xavier—are exactly who you want to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with.

Most likely to volunteer to be an ‘actor’ at a haunted house…

• John Konchar

Let me see if I can put this in a delicate way… People who volunteer to work at haunted houses are… dedicated. They spend, in a manner of speaking, 11 months out of the year staying ready. Staying ready for a single thing: scaring people for entertainment.

Haunted house worker. It’s a calling, for sure. A rather niche-y—not Nietzsche, that’s a different article—one, but a calling regardless. And that’s how I’d describe the career John Konchar has made for himself as well. Niche-y.

Like his haunted volunteer counterparts, ‘Jitty’ is in a constant state of ‘preparedness.’ Not your typical NBA reserve, he fits this larger role for the Grizzlies like a glove. A role I would describe as niche-y, ala volunteering at a seasonal haunted house.

It’s when we see an uptick in his court time that it becomes something to worry about. You wouldn’t want haunted houses in months not named October, would you? Well, same with Konchar. He’s the perfect player when utilized in the correct fashion. If not? Then it’s scary but not the slightest bit entertaining.

Most likely to have their house TP’d…

• Jake LaRavia

I remember the first time I TP’d a house. First, I felt like I wasted so much toilet paper. Second, I felt angry that I wasn’t ‘great’ at the small act of defiance. You see, for my friends and I, our typical bath tissue target was someone who often drew our ire. It felt like going to battle, and I wanted to do my part.

When it comes to ire drawing… Is there anyone on the Grizzlies roster right now whose house you’d rather TP than Jake LaRavia? It’s something about the unique combo of chances given and lack of elite skill. When also combined with squandered opportunities?

It all adds up to a very TP-able face and house for me. I’m talking about Charmin Essentials, too. So yeah, Jake makes me want to cover his house in the basic bath tissue used by that bear family with bowel problems.

Most likely to take everyone else’s candy…

• Marcus Smart

Did you have that kid you Trick-or-Treated with? The one who would go through all the available candy, siphoning off the best options. So that only they could enjoy it. Come on. Everyone had that kid. For me, it was my sister. My little sister… who was also my first bully. Don’t judge me.

The equal to that precocious sticky-fingered brat on the Grizzlies? Without a doubt, it’s Marcus Smart. And please know that I intend for this award to be nothing but a compliment. Since arriving in Memphis, Smart has been the total package and then some.

In fact, the level of skill he’s exhibiting on defense so far this season echoes his play from his DPOY year. In four games with Memphis, Marcus is averaging, per game, 17.3 PTS, 2.8 REB, 5.8 AST, and a whopping 3.0 STL. That’s exactly what the team had to have hoped for when making the trade.

It’s an unmatched level of tenacity for this team. And a level of tenacity I would’ve killed to have had as a kid. Are you trying to tell me that wouldn’t come in handy in a mad dash for that sugar rush? Wrong friends. Plain wrong.